“I have been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half now. I really love her and want to be with her more than anything but there is one issue that I am struggling to get past…

she isn’t out to her parents or her family. As far as they are concerned I am her ‘best friend’. This wouldn’t be the case if I was a guy and it makes me feel really worthless and unimportant. I was understanding and supportive at first but now that it has been this long I have become very close to her family and I don’t want to lie to them anymore – I also don’t even think they would really have a problem! I don’t want to pressure her but I want to feel like our relationship is as valuable as her sisters with her male partner.What should I do? Lucy, Newcastle, 29

Your girlfriend is obviously having an issue committing to her lesbian identity and as a consequence committing to you – if she really really loves you she would be singing it from the hilltops for all to hear, right? Nope, wrong.

Coming out to family is one of the biggest things any LGBT person can do. It is an occasion that supersedes a lifetime of some of the most important relationships a person can have – both good and bad relationships. Only that individual can judge when the time is right for them to share this information about themselves with certain individuals; even if you are right that it won’t actually be a problem it just isn’t your place to make that call.

You obviously have a pretty picture vision of how you want your relationship to be accepted into your partner’s family. Ask yourself why this is. Is there some deficiency closer to home that is causing you to search for substitutes elsewhere? Are you just a bit controlling in general and want your girlfriend to do what you want her to?

Think about it: for some reason your girlfriend is hesitating in coming out to her family – there is a barrier there. Now she has the added pressure from you. Your responsibility is simply to support your girlfriend to do things in her own time. If she is comfortable and happy with you she may be more comfortable to take that next step. If your issue is with ‘being made to lie’ I suggest you take some responsibility and stop putting yourself in that situation – that is one thing your girlfriend can’t really argue with.

Not coming out to her family does not mean she loves you any less. She is trying to balance a lot of important priorities and you shouldn’t be so obsessed with being at the top of the list; it’s tiresome and ‘lesbian’ in the worst sense of the word.

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